I've been watching Jenna Marbles' videos since my freshman year of college thanks to my friend, Hunter, and I'm not afraid to admit it. I know some people think that she is becoming overrated or boring, and I would have to agree that I enjoy her older videos more than her new ones. But I watched a new video of her's that really spoke to me; especially now since being here.
Now this girl is really great at giving life advice and I would highly suggest watching it. In the video, she talks about the difference that she sees between goals and expectations. People always tell us not to have low expectations because then they assume that we won't work hard. But what Jenna says, is that we can have as many goals as we want, set as high as we want, but we shouldn't put too high of expectations on them. Her argument is that if we don't have high expectations for anything, then any positive outcome, or anything above our expectations is a success. This success will then in turn make us happy instead of the frustration and disappointment that we'll feel if we don't achieve or surpass our high expectations.
And this is something that I've never thought about before. I've always been a perfectionist, and I've always set my expectations for myself incredibly high. By doing this, I have felt my fair share of disappointment in myself for not achieving a goal. So far, I have lived my life trying to be the best at everything that I do, and when I don't achieve that, or it gets too difficult or almost impossible to do that, I beat myself up about it and stress myself out over it. Through this experience of studying in a new country with a language that I don't feel comfortable with and class structures that are a lot different than where I come from, I have learned to lower my expectations. And this isn't a bad thing. I'm a hard worker, and always have been, and just because I'm learning to lower my expectations of myself, doesn't mean that I don't hold the same standards of work ethic for myself. In my Grammar class this semester, I went into the exams just hoping to pass. My entire hope for the class was just to pass. But the difference was that even though I only wanted to pass, I still worked harder than most people in the class because I not only had to learn the material, but I also had to figure out a way to understand the language. And even though I only expected to pass with a C, I ended the semester with a B. And I actually cried tears of joy because it surpassed my expectations.
Now the reason that this video hit me so hard, was because even though I have learned so much Spanish here, and I have grown so much, I still carry too high of expectations for myself which actually end up hurting me. I have had this conversation with a countless number of people. And they all say the same thing: You are way too hard on yourself. The way they see it (because they don't have any expectations for me) is that I have improved my Spanish at an extremely rapid pace. Yet, I still put myself down because I haven't yet met my impossible expectations for myself. Yes, my ultimate goal is to be fluent one day, and to feel comfortable having a conversation with someone 100% in Spanish. But I don't think that that will actually be possible here. There are way too many people that also speak English, and will speak English with me when they see that I'm struggling. And I know one of the reasons that I had this expectation was because of those people who I know that have studied abroad. They came back with fluent Spanish because they through themselves into the language where no one speaks English. I didn't do that. I do think that I will need to, but I wasn't ready for that yet. Now I think I would be.
But going back to my conversations that I have had with people. I even had this conversation with Maria last night. We were talking about why I don't want to go to a workshop, and I told her that I don't think I could handle all of the Spanish for 12 hours a day, for 3 days. And she told me that I still have the mind-set that I had had when I first got here, where I second-guess myself and don't give myself enough credit. Which is completely true. Like I said, I'm a perfectionist and when I'm not perfect at something, or I don't feel as good at something as other people, I assume that then I can't do it. And the thing that I need to accept, is that these people have been learning English since they were in kindergarten. And as much fear and discomfort that I feel, there are people here that have even more than me when they're trying to speak English. Again, these people have been learning English since elementary school. And that's the point that Maria (and everyone else) keep trying to get across. But again, because I have such high expectations of myself, I feel inferior to the person that I have inside of my head. All of my friends and family are incredibly proud of me... so why can't I be just as proud of myself? I deserve to feel proud of my accomplishments here. It's going to take years of practice in order to get my Spanish to where I have it in my expectations. Everyone keeps telling me that my Spanish is very good, but because I keep comparing myself to others who don't come from the same learning background as I do, and are just completely different people with different circumstances, I set my expectations too high. Which then ends up making me feel disappointed and frustrated in the end.
So I guess what I'm trying to say with this, is that we need to keep our goals high and our expectations low, but continue to work hard towards that goal. As Jenna says, you always live life happier when you don't keep too high of expectations for yourself. And this is something that I'm trying to teach myself to be okay with. Especially in my case, learning another language takes time and practice. Eventually I will get there. I'm working hard, and will continue to work hard to reach this goal once I'm back home, but I can't keep beating myself up for not reaching the impossibly expectations that I have set for myself. So to all of my friends and family that are there supporting me and proud of how far I have come: Thank you all so much! And I'm sorry to those who are trying to get my to see how far I have come. I can be a bit stubborn sometimes.
And this is something that I've never thought about before. I've always been a perfectionist, and I've always set my expectations for myself incredibly high. By doing this, I have felt my fair share of disappointment in myself for not achieving a goal. So far, I have lived my life trying to be the best at everything that I do, and when I don't achieve that, or it gets too difficult or almost impossible to do that, I beat myself up about it and stress myself out over it. Through this experience of studying in a new country with a language that I don't feel comfortable with and class structures that are a lot different than where I come from, I have learned to lower my expectations. And this isn't a bad thing. I'm a hard worker, and always have been, and just because I'm learning to lower my expectations of myself, doesn't mean that I don't hold the same standards of work ethic for myself. In my Grammar class this semester, I went into the exams just hoping to pass. My entire hope for the class was just to pass. But the difference was that even though I only wanted to pass, I still worked harder than most people in the class because I not only had to learn the material, but I also had to figure out a way to understand the language. And even though I only expected to pass with a C, I ended the semester with a B. And I actually cried tears of joy because it surpassed my expectations.
Now the reason that this video hit me so hard, was because even though I have learned so much Spanish here, and I have grown so much, I still carry too high of expectations for myself which actually end up hurting me. I have had this conversation with a countless number of people. And they all say the same thing: You are way too hard on yourself. The way they see it (because they don't have any expectations for me) is that I have improved my Spanish at an extremely rapid pace. Yet, I still put myself down because I haven't yet met my impossible expectations for myself. Yes, my ultimate goal is to be fluent one day, and to feel comfortable having a conversation with someone 100% in Spanish. But I don't think that that will actually be possible here. There are way too many people that also speak English, and will speak English with me when they see that I'm struggling. And I know one of the reasons that I had this expectation was because of those people who I know that have studied abroad. They came back with fluent Spanish because they through themselves into the language where no one speaks English. I didn't do that. I do think that I will need to, but I wasn't ready for that yet. Now I think I would be.
But going back to my conversations that I have had with people. I even had this conversation with Maria last night. We were talking about why I don't want to go to a workshop, and I told her that I don't think I could handle all of the Spanish for 12 hours a day, for 3 days. And she told me that I still have the mind-set that I had had when I first got here, where I second-guess myself and don't give myself enough credit. Which is completely true. Like I said, I'm a perfectionist and when I'm not perfect at something, or I don't feel as good at something as other people, I assume that then I can't do it. And the thing that I need to accept, is that these people have been learning English since they were in kindergarten. And as much fear and discomfort that I feel, there are people here that have even more than me when they're trying to speak English. Again, these people have been learning English since elementary school. And that's the point that Maria (and everyone else) keep trying to get across. But again, because I have such high expectations of myself, I feel inferior to the person that I have inside of my head. All of my friends and family are incredibly proud of me... so why can't I be just as proud of myself? I deserve to feel proud of my accomplishments here. It's going to take years of practice in order to get my Spanish to where I have it in my expectations. Everyone keeps telling me that my Spanish is very good, but because I keep comparing myself to others who don't come from the same learning background as I do, and are just completely different people with different circumstances, I set my expectations too high. Which then ends up making me feel disappointed and frustrated in the end.
So I guess what I'm trying to say with this, is that we need to keep our goals high and our expectations low, but continue to work hard towards that goal. As Jenna says, you always live life happier when you don't keep too high of expectations for yourself. And this is something that I'm trying to teach myself to be okay with. Especially in my case, learning another language takes time and practice. Eventually I will get there. I'm working hard, and will continue to work hard to reach this goal once I'm back home, but I can't keep beating myself up for not reaching the impossibly expectations that I have set for myself. So to all of my friends and family that are there supporting me and proud of how far I have come: Thank you all so much! And I'm sorry to those who are trying to get my to see how far I have come. I can be a bit stubborn sometimes.
"Cuando llegué aquí, no sabía lo que esta experiencia me traería. Sí, tenía miedo de que fracasaría; pero de hecho, disfruto el sentido y el conocimiento de no saber que estoy haciendo. Me ha puesto en un lugar donde tengo más confianza en mi misma. Aquí no soy egoista, no lo puedo ser. Esta experiencia me ha enseñado como ser más humilde y cuan fuerte soy. Y estoy agradesida por toda la ayuda de mis amigos. ¡Gracias a todos!" |
I know a lot of people won't be able to read this but, this comment (on that picture/status above) made me tear up it was so sweet. And it's things like this that should let me know that yes I can do this, and I am doing this, and I'm succeeding at this.
And I wanted to end this post on a more funny note, so here's a song that completely describes my struggles! Enjoy!
XOXO Ericka
XOXO Ericka