I've been waking up so late the past couple of days. I think it's because I hadn't been sleeping. My nights usually involved me just laying in my bed with my eyes closed as my mind thinks of anything and everything. It did think of two things in particular though: my struggles with school and my Spanish, and a toxic relationship with someone I will not and cannot mention. I don't think there's really too much I can do about my Spanish until school is done because all I worry about is passing my classes, which usually involve me doing everything in English. I hate that I can speak Spanish and write Spanish very well but it's only when I feel comfortable in the conversation and can understand the person. I'll be staying with my friend Maria during the summer and for some reason it is so hard for me to understand her so I always get flustered and frustrated when trying to talk to her. I'm going to have to get used to it though if I'm going to be living with her for 2 months. And school is killing me. I've got the hang of my history classes because I get to do them in English, and I'm doing pretty well in my literature class, but it's my grammar class that is totally stressing me out. At first I was understanding stuff but now we have new stuff that I cannot seem to grasp. I think a big part of it is that I don't know what the sentences are saying. I think that if I could read everything and fully understand it that I would feel a lot more secure with it. My plan at the moment is really just to pass the class so that I don't have to retake it. This just was not what I was expecting when I chose to study abroad. I thought that my Spanish was going to get really good, I'd be doing everything in Spanish and I'd be traveling everywhere. So far none of that is true. I know that my Spanish is getting better because my writing of Spanish is pretty easy and I can almost text like it's second nature. I can also talk very well depending on who I'm talking to and the situation. My problem is that when I can't understand someone I get really flustered and it's like my brain just shuts down. It's very frustrating. This is why I need to just live somewhere where everyone speaks Spanish so I won't have to worry about homework. One day I will be fluent. I don't care what it takes.
So the other thing that has been keeping me up at night has been constant thoughts about someone in my past. Last night I performed my first spell to release that person from my life once and for all. What I did for this spell was: got a red candle to signify the anger that I still had towards them, a white candle to signify healing and rebirth, a jar where I would put the burnt remains of the letter I would write to them, my journal where I'd write about them, a red pen to write with, my spell that I personally wrote was to the side of me, my two tarot cards, and soothing yet powerful music. The tarot cards were those of the Moon,, which is the sign of Pisces (this person is a Pisces and obsessed |
with the moon) and the Queen of Cups, which is also the sign of Pisces. The Queen of Cups was my daily card that I had drawn and once I looked up the meaning, I was shocked at the accuracy. The face cards in the deck mean a person in your life, and based on the meaning of the Queen of Cups, I knew it was who I was trying to release. So the actual process of the spell was to call the circle and ask the god of fire and the Goddess to help me. Then I called upon the moon and the person's spirit to join me as well. I lit the red candle as I wrote a letter to this person. At first the letter started out very angry and jealous, but eventually turned into an apology as I told them that I no longer want them in my life. Even after I wrote the letter I felt lighter and more at ease. Next I used the red candle to burn the letter and put it in the jar. As it was burning I said my spell in a stern voice so that this person knew they were no longer allowed to be a part of my life. Afterwards I lit the white candle and blew out the red one. I meditated there for a bit as I thanked everyone for coming. When I felt as though everything was done that needed to be done, I blew out the white candle and closed the circle. I felt amazing afterwards! I had never cast a spell before but now I know that this is the path that I want to take. It took a lot out of me but I feel more confident now that I can go on with my life. It was strange because there had been loud music playing all day for Relay for Life, and I was afraid that it would ruin my concentration, but the music seemed to stop for the entire duration of my spell. Now I just need to do more research on tarots and how to use them. I have a book but I've been so busy with school and everything so when I do have free time I usually just want to watch YouTube videos. This is really bad for me so many ways because the videos are usually in English. But I'm going to work on getting focused again. I know this summer I'll definitely have some time.
But we've also been having a couple problems with the house again today. Deidre has been having an ant problem. We've actually had an ant problem since we got here because we don't have glass on the windows, but it's been really bad in her room as of late. And this morning I was doing laundry and our laundry room/back room flooded. That hasn't happened since we first got here and our first washer/dryer was |
broken and needed to be replaced. As long as we don't have any more problems that need to be fixed because when we first got here there was so much wrong with this place... But hey, we finally got a table and chairs on our porch! I have mixed feelings about it because now we can do homework and eat outside, but I cant really hoop on the porch anymore. I can always find another place I'm sure. But I haven't really |
done any of the homework that I've supposed to have done this weekend so I should probably get to that considering it's now 7:30 at night. I kind of looked at my Grammar homework, tried to do the first couple of problems, got frustrated and ate half a tub of ice cream. That's kind of an exaggeration but not really. I did do the first 2 columns yesterday which I could understand, but it's the rest of them that I don't. I have an exam on Thursday and I'm really not looking forward to it. This class is what is going to break my spirit this semester. Well it already has but I'm thinking it'll only get worse from here. Not many people understand it and I even have the disadvantage of not being fluent in Spanish. So we'll see how this goes....At least we have tomorrow off for me to do homework all day. I just wish I had my book that I have to read. I think I'm going to watch the movie first and then read the book so I can know what's going on. I didn't even read the other book that we have to read for our grammar class. These next few weeks are just going to be torture with midterms and projects. But I can do it! ¡Voy a mi! But I'm gonna sign off.
XOXO Ericka
XOXO Ericka